I don’t talk a lot about gender. Or gender identity.
Lots of reasons for that. Most of which are I haven’t quite dug down deep enough into my own id. And if I’m going to be stripped-down, nekkid honest, I always flounder about who or what I am.
I am not by nature an “aggressive in your face, accept me as I am” person. For some reason, a lot of people assume that means I’m a pushover. Asperger’s does make me flighty and distracted and sometimes laser focused on the wrong things so my mouth and brain don’t stop running at full tilt and I don’t see any social speed bumps. Coupled with a cultural inclination to keep a polite public face, I’m usually fighting between what I’d like to say and what’s proper and well, Asian-nice.
Apparently this has led some people to believe I’m a pushover. I’ve had someone tell me in an interview once that they didn’t think I could do the job because people would run me over.
I have snippets of old conversations playing in my head of late. Odd bits like a comment someone made about my fave book during an interview, a disparaging remark a relative said about me during a family gathering, and just general stuff like that. Sometimes the mind goes on it’s onw “Greatest Hits” reel and I’m sitting here thinking, do you really have to do this now?
And it replies; Yes. Yes, I do.
I’ve been awake for about two and a half hours now and it’s been a roller coaster of conversations and people telling me how to think and feel. Now if you know me personally, you know how that gets my back up. It’s like a trigger point. Always has been. One of the major reasons my father pretty much spent my childhood trying to kill me in one way or another because I didn’t think being dominated into submission was EVER going to be my cup of tea.
I’m not sure where that comes from. My mother whom I love dearly tried to make peace by saying; just do what he says. Alas, dear mother, I shall not be made less.
And considering my whacked out chem brain spends a lot of time doing just that, it doesn’t need any help, thank you very much.
I am the best person I can be. I try. I don’t always get it right. And sadly I’ve been told since I’m in the “public eye”, I don’t get the luxury of making mistakes. To that I say bullshit. I’m going to make them. We all are. But it’s my life and they’re mine to make and fix.
A lot of that actually pertains to writing because nothing can be curled up into a knot of mistakes like taking the wrong left turn during a chapter. And then you spend a lot of time trying to either write out of it or… tossing the whole thing. It’s a sad commentary on the brain when it does this to you. You feel betrayed! Like damn it, I thought I could trust you! But no, I cannot.
The book deserves to be the best it can be. Sometimes it works. Othertimes, it does not.
Where am I going with this? Man, I’ve tossed out more things in the past few months than I care to admit. I think a lot of it is the political and social arenas we are in now. It’s hard to disconnect and write freely without the press of people’s opinions and rants shoving through the veil of words. When I write, I need to push the world back… put it away so I can live in the one I’m creating. Outside things can influence me, sure. But I’ve got to keep a firm hold on who I am, what the book is, and where it’s going.
So wish me luck in tackling the keyboard once again and keeping the world and its bitter voices from creeping in. Have a happy moment for yourself today. Do something nice for you. I have a snoring dog so that’s my soundtrack for the morning. *Grins*
Trying to get my life back on track seeing as it’s gone upside down these past couple of months. It’s hard on the head and I’m a bit oversocialized. Which of course screws with my head even more. So off to talk to the doc about readjusting the brain chems et al.
Honestly, I hate using Aspergers as an excuse for stuff but there’s a certain point where I just can’t break through and react typically. I mean I can literally feel that wall. Or membrane. It feels more like a membrane if that makes any sense. Like it gives but not a lot and it hurts to try to push further. Rebound brain gives massive headaches.
Everyone is different on the spectrum. I think that makes it worse because there’s no… Ah-HAH I know how to react to that behaviour. We all have our wired in quirks and it’s a constant education of people around us to adapt. People I love and am close to sometimes forget I have a reason for saying; I can’t deal with that right now. What I’m saying is, the lines have moved and what I could adapt to yesterday is a hard wall for me today. It’s frustrating but the sooner I accept that spectral (hah) limitation, the easier it is for me to de-escalate the frustration. And head off a brain meltdown.
If you do know someone on the spectrum and is good at “passing for human” (Because that’s pretty much our end goal as success, hiding that we’re on the spectrum), and they are comfortable enough to not mask, please understand that some days might be harder than others and truly listen and adapt when they communicate. It could be something as simple as losing the modulation in their voice (which is so awesome to finally not have to force because it feels like taking off a brain-wrapping bra) to perhaps needed the sound lowered on the TV even if it’s a volume that was okay an hour ago. Our “disability” is an invisible one and often one we fight with ourselves. And I can say sometimes it pisses us off too. Trust me on that.
So… wear a mask, eat your veggies, drink a lot of water and most of all, make sure you do one kind thing for yourself today.
Sorry for being AWOL but I’ve spent the last two weeks driving up to Oregon to take care of my hanai brother Dave’s remains and packing up the house. While it’s been a long, grieving journey, we were comforted and delighted to find family up in Eugene and were able to provide others with household goods and items they needed as we sifted through what was in the house. It went quickly and yet, too soon. My heartfelt love and thanks go out to the Asam and Lane families who were just freaking awesome and I will carry them in my heart for a very long time.
I have to get settled back into my routine and catch up with all of the stuff I let lay fallow while we all dealt with the things death brings with it. It’ll be okay. Dave was loved, respected, and most of all, treasured. I wish him well on his journey to where he is going next and may the road be sandy and bumpy because that’s the way he rolled.
So I’ve been planning this for a bit. Just to pull together a bunch of the Sinners short stories as well as writing a few more — four to be precise — as a way to gather up some threads and give a little bit more of the Sinners boys for those who might miss visiting them. The four new stories are scattered throughout the collection which is arranged in chronological order (as close as I could get) to the series.
I’m hope you all enjoy having another few slices of their lives and take care of one another!
’Nother Sip of Sin by Rhys Ford Coming 18 August 2020 from Dreamspinner Press
For Crossroads Gin rock stars Miki, Damien, Rafe, and Forest, life is a Möbius strip of music, mayhem, and murder. Through it all, the sweet, hot moments between tours with lovers, friends, and family keep them sane, healthy, and happy. This Sinners collection features short stories spanning the entire series, from before the first note to after the lights go out.
Hey! I am the Featured Author for the Paranormal Romance Guild and also a featured author on Amazon for July. Dreamspinner and other third party platforms will be price matching Amazon on for July on the sale books.
Here’s a list of the books that’ll be featured:
Dirty Laundry, Down and Dirty, Dirty Deeds, Dirty Heart,
Whiskey and Wry, Absinthe of Malice, Sinner’s Gin, Sin and Tonic
Fish Stick Fridays, Hanging the Stars
Silk Dragon Salsa by Rhys Ford (Kai Gracen, Book 4)
SoCalGov Stalker Kai Gracen always knew Death walked in his shadow. Enough people told him that, including his human mentor, Dempsey. Problem was, the old man never told him what to do when Death eventually caught up.
Where Tanic, his elfin father and the Wild Hunt Master of the Unsidhe Court, brought Kai pain and suffering, Dempsey gave him focus and a will to live… at least until everything unraveled. Now caught in a web of old lies and half-truths, Kai is torn between the human and elfin worlds, unsure of who he is anymore. Left with a hollowness he can’t fill, Kai aches to find solace in the one elfin he trusts—a Sidhe Lord named Ryder—but he has unfinished business with Dempsey’s estranged brother, a man who long ago swore off anything to do with the feral elfin child Dempsey dragged up from the gutter.
Reeling from past betrayals, Kai searches for Dempsey’s brother, hoping to do right by the man who saved him while trying to keep ahead of the death haunting his every step. Kai never thought he’d find love or happiness as a Stalker, but when Death comes knocking at his door, Kai discovers a fierce need to live life to the fullest—even if that means turning his back on the people he calls family.
This is a frequently asked question, especially when new people start to follow me on social media so when someone asked me again; why is your dog wearing a muzzle, I thought I’d share what I answered here.
The Blond Potato’s name is Gus Gus. Well that’s what he’s called. He’s also called Gus, Gooseman, Fungus, Goose, The Cairn Terrorist, Gengus Cairn, Pudding and well, Potato.
He joined us when he was six months old and sadly, we only had him a short while when it became evident, something was very much wrong with how he reacted to things.
Angus Missouri Blue was born in Kansas City, Missouri to a pair of cairn terriers named Dorothy and Rooster Cogburn. Sadly, the cairns coming out of Kansas, Missouri and Pennsylvania were getting bred too close to their own bloodlines and a fear aggression gene emerged.
When too much adrenaline is coursing thru their brains, they are so fearful they will attack anything in front of them, including people who have raised them and feed them. It’s like a seizure. They are blind to everything but their fear. When it passes, Gus ends up staggering about and kind of stoned from the adrenaline overload.
He’s had significant behavioural modification training and now lives a happy and normal life with his last out of control aggression event occuring years ago. BUT we do work to descalate those seizures from happening by diversion and minimization of stress. One of the things we are insistent on him going out with is a muzzle which serves two purposes; if he DOES have an event, no one is hurt and he feels safer with it on because he can get a little worked up and has a barrier where someone can calm him back down and he can continue to trot along.
If he gets fearful, having a muzzle on him allows us and well, anyone to approach him and descalate his stress. He doesn’t feel comfortable going outside without one and that puts him in a more fearful mindset to begin with so in a way, it’s his security blanket as well.
All of that being said, a lot of people think we’re insane because he’s a very delightful pupper and loves attention. The vets are happy to see him and love him and are appreciative that he’s presented in such a way that makes him coming into the office a safe one but once he goes into the room, it comes off and he’s able to play and visit with them unhindered.
The last time we were at the vet, there was a lot of construction going on across the street as there’s a building going up and rather than being aggressive, he came to me for cuddling and reassurance as he stared out of the window at the machines.
He goes on walks with his Aunt Jessica twice a week. Now, he’s an old man (cairns’ lifespan is 12-15) so his walks are regulated to give him exercise but not so much that it strains his joints. He’s 12 now and a very happy Potato but walks are SERIOUS business for him and there’s not time to talk and stop and smell the flowers. Once in a while he might roll around in some damp grass because that’s just too much to pass by but there’s no sniffing trees or looking for other dogs’ scents. Walks are for hard trots and his Aunt Jessica often has to slow his roll because there are PLACES TO BE in Gus’s mind, and he’ll keep setting a hard pace if you let him.
Which means he’ll be sore and aching later for a few days and we don’t want that.
He sleeps at the end of my bed at night and has several dog pillows around the house. There’s hickory smoked pig knees to gnaw on and tonight he got a beef rib bone as a treat. Dinner is a grain-free kibble and some savoury stew wet. There are belly rubs and ear scritches and people come over to visit, especially his Aunt Tamm from Northern Ireland who spoils him rotten. No, he’s not allowed to sit at the door and work himself up into a hunting frenzy because that’ll trigger his aggression and when someone is coming over, we tell them to just come in because to him, this means this person is a friend and someone who loves him.
I want Gus to live in a world where whomever comes through that door is someone who loves him although he does get put into the back of the house with the kiddie gates when plumbers, etc. come over and he gets very excited when they come in and right before they leave, he’s allowed to come say hello.
I’ve worked very hard to give him the life I promised him he would have when we got him at 6 months old. He is very well loved and has a good structure to his day. He gets treats and allergy meds and probably needs a bath right now because he likes being grimy and rolls around in dust puddles like a chinchilla. And if his continued happiness means him wearing a muzzle when he goes out, then that’s how it is. Because it comes off when he comes thru the front door and he knows he’s home and safe. And being safe, happy, and loved is what I want all of my pets to feel when they spend their lives with us.
I’ve been keeping track of what day of the week it is. Hopefully we’ll go back to Borking Days on Tues and Friday soon. Gus does need to get out and it’s actually really better for him if he has a walker he doesn’t live with so here’s hoping we get that going again this week.
If not, then I’ll take him out.
I’ve been watching Hiro learn how to cook stuff every once in a while. For those who might sorta recognize him, he’s been Kamen Rider and the lead in Black Butler. If you ever wanted to learn how to make tempura, here it is.
I’ve got smoked hamhocks in the Instapot with sauteed onions and garlic. I’ll be adding sausage and collard greens to it once that’s gone through the pressure stage. And of course, make some rice and that’s dinner. They didn’t have 3 lbs of hock but I did have a smoked pork shank in the freezer so that went in this time. We also have to polish off the sweet ginger-cucumber kimchee I made so I can make the next batch. Also, eat the regular kimchee that is in there.
Almost done with this project then rolling into the next. After that, Saint. Because of course I do need to finish up the 415 Ink boys. Working from home doesn’t really give much MORE time for writing but it does mean I don’t have to lose an hour in commute so that’s nice. And well, the dog’s all… I’ll get up when I get up because I sure as fuck don’t need to be awake at 5:30 am. Feel the love from the dog.
Hopefully all of you are staying safe and healthy. Remember to wash your hands and call relatives and friends. Oh, and hug your pets. But not the fish. That would be bad.
One of the most interesting things about being in “isolation mode” has been getting things to make other things because stuff’s in short supply. Some stuff like kimchi is impossible to find in the stores nearby and while I could leave the house and go to Zion or HMart, it would really break that isolation we’ve been in. Since I was hella sick a little bit ago, I don’t want to chance anything.
Now, we order thru SHIPT or Instacart and I got a shopper who sent this. I think it’s adorable because she’s like… I HAVE NO IDEA!
It’s been kind of fun interacting with our shoppers because one lady was all… WHAT IS THIS? It looks good! I want to try it!
I tip well and always make sure they stay safe. Our shopper right now said, they have paper towels, one package left. It’s not on your list but do you need it?
I said nope, leave it for someone who does but can I tell you she earned a HUGE tip just for asking. So for everyone out there shopping, driving, delivering and doing all of the things we can’t do because we’re flattening the curve… THANK YOU!
Look at that smile! She’s so adorable. I do love Staffies. They’re such great dogs.
I also want to share the link to the latest Baumgartner Fine Art Restoration video. I haven’t watched it yet which is a crime because I usually watch them immediately but between travel and trying to hammer out the rest of this book, I’ve held off this video as a reward. It’s gonna be my chocolate twinkie! Which I still haven’t eaten but let’s face it, that’ll be there forever.