Read a letter.
Write a letter.
It is often the hardest battles for us to fight… The struggle to keep breathing. The war to stay alive.
Stupidly enough one of the things that keeps me here is someone spent a good amount of energy not only hating me but trying to destroy me in any way he could.
I promised myself that if anybody was going to take me out it would be me. Not him.
It’s not a promise a 10-year-old kid should make to themselves but it was the only way I think I could survive it. It was a mantra that kept me breathing even though I was pretty fucked up and such a hot emotional and screwed up mess. I walked through childhood confused and hurt and lonely and angry with little to no control over my emotions other than to be driven by fear and to every corner I could find. The adult that came out of my childhood wasn’t one that I would want to be friends with even though I understood how they got there.
But while I did incredible damage to myself with that mantra, it kept me alive because I just wanted to die.
That was the only way I could think of to keep myself going. I promising myself I wouldn’t let him be the one who killed me.
Along the way he no longer was important to me and that mantra lost its purpose. But the longing to just stop and rest forever remained.
I’m not going to apologize for that. And there never will be any fixing it because it is gouged down into my very being and my soul. It doesn’t go away. Sometimes it’s silent but it lingers. And sometimes it whispers and says wouldn’t it just be easier to stop?
And that’s usually what I’m scared to reach out to others and say I need help because it’s hard to stay alive. It’s hard to stay alive when you are so used to the expectation of being murdered, even if it is by your own hand. I’m afraid to reach out because for so many years, being erased was an active danger so it’s impossible to trust that somebody actually would want you to remain. Would want me to remain.
Sometimes taking the next breath is hard. I get that. But what’s harder is when you look around and you see nothing but the darkness around you. Yet there is light outside of you and sometimes it doesn’t matter of letting it find you.
So I wanted to share this website with you all. If you need to read a letter, or five, they are there for you. And if you have it within yourself to write a letter to someone who needs those words, and please do so.
You never know who you’re going to reach. And you never know what comfort you’re going to find.
https://reasonstostay.co.uk/
Tonight’s dinner: pork adobo and rice
I love Filipino food. And I have been fighting a flu for the past 3 weeks that has just really wiped me out. I have the last scraggles left of it and I just wanted something that had flavor. Because for the past few weeks I have been eating very bland food including miso soup, plain rice, chicken broth, and lots of tea. I have taken every medication I could to fight it and it still took me out like I was tissue paper.
So tonight I am going to be delving into a Filipino classic that I probably could have browned up a little bit more but I was hungry and I just wanted food.
I actually have started laying out some plot lines and I’ve been listening to more music which has been great cuz that always keeps me rolling the brain cells and that’s kind of what I need right now.
I hope everyone is doing okay and that if you are in the Eastern Northern part of America that you are successfully dodging the snow storms well and anybody else who’s dodging snow storms… I wish you the best of luck.
A comedy drama rec… Of Tropes and the BL World.
There’s a halfway musing point in my brain where bits and pieces of stories and characters begin to break free and float around, looking for a place to roost.
That’s where I am right now.
And I’ve also had some serious heartburn… gastric flux etc. All of those capacitors. It’s annoying and really nothing to be done about it but still… annoying.
I’ve recently steered a few of my friends over to a JDrama series called A Man Who Defies the World of BL. The basics of this drama is simple; a young Japanese man named “Mob” one day realizes he’s living in a BL Manga world and he’s a side character. He refuses to bow down to the world’s insta-love tactics and fights to maintain his SINGLE side character status amid a series of standard trope challenges. If you read manga or watch dramas / anime… or even read romance… you’ll recognize all of these tropes and probably die laughing as Mob tries to navigate through his environment. Mob believes in romance and love… but he’s grumpy about it.
This isn’t an ANTI-GAY series. Keep in mind, this is satire about writing tropes but is played quite seriously and really more about a side character who is struggling with his identity and what his sexuality is in a world where he seemingly has no control. It’s a commentary on sexuality and self-prioritization in an intense tongue-in-cheek kind of way while playfully poking fun at situations that can only make sense in a fictional world.
A lot of fun and I recommend it. You can catch all seasons (they’re short) on Gaga but Viki and a couple of other streaming sites have most seasons.
Tonight’s dinner: sweet and sour pork.
I haven’t been feeling absolutely great but this is always a comfort food so tonight’s dinner…. Chinese style sweet sour pork over sticky rice.
Yeeeessssss!!! I love these kinds of movies!
Okay first off I’m all over this movie. Secondly it makes me so happy that Momoa pronounced Yakuza the right way because it gets slaughtered in movies all the time. It’s kind of like listening to people pronounce musubi. Sharp nails running over a chalkboard while holding a balloon painful.
https://youtu.be/v8R0xDczERo?si=5NLKmbqv9xPTZyt2
Saimin
Tonight’s dinner is saimin because I am lazy and I want to watch my Korean cooking show.
Blergh
Getting back into writing poses a lot of complications. Mostly, keeping focused on what I’m doing. I’m also at a crossroads on what to write. Do I continue on with Saint or do I work on the Jack Collins novel?
It’s kind of like deciding on what to make for dinner. I have ground meat but what to do with it? My default is browning the hamburger, adding an onion and serving that over rice but there’s so much more to do with that ingredient than the simple toss together something quick.
Currently I’m reading a Kellerman novel and I’m looking at the construct of the book more than actually reading it… which actually surprised me. Then of course I realize I do that all the time now. Instead of reading the story, I’m looking at how it is written and that’s not the point of reading. So much of my brain function is diverted to other paths recently… like watching a movie and looking at the writing instead of the actors and the environment.
Is that the fault of the movie or the brain just wandering off to see other things? Case in point… I didn’t care for the last Superman. For a variety of reasons but mostly because the start point was too far along on the origin story. No, I don’t need to see him land in the spaceship and grow up but I think jumping past him developing a relationship with Lois Lane and Lex Luthor was too far down on the timeline. I didn’t care about his relationships. And I didn’t like the CGI dog. Don’t AI my dogs damn it! I did love Nathan Fillion because well… Nathan.
I’d love to see a Superman that’s a bit more gritty. Hell, I’d love to see an urban-raised Superman story. Someone who grew up in a poor neighbourhood… his parents work in a bodega and he struggles with the injustice of how the police force treats those living beneath the poverty level. I’d love to see that Superman. And I know that’s not the whole Truth, Justice and the Great S Way but it would be more engaging for me. I want to see someone who is more grounded in reality and not pie-in-the-sky I’m superior in morals and ethics because I wear these tights and can fly.
I know… silly but that’s what I’d want to see. It would of course be so off-canon people would clutch their pearls but ah, so much fun.
Don’t even get me started on the Winter Soldier. I adore that character and Bucky needs better storylines 😀
Find Something New To Read in The Winter Romance Wish Book
Winter Romance Wish Book
As winter is hitting us… well those of us in the upper hemisphere… it’s coming to a time where we curl up under a blanket, find something warm to drink, and find something even hotter to read. So to celebrate winter stretching across the land and pulling in the holiday season along with it, Kim Fielding has gathered a selection of authors and asked them to tell us what they think you’d like to have with you on the couch while you sip from your favourite cup and watch the world go by for a little bit. Each author in this collection has gone through their catalog and curated something to keep you company and the link to where you can get it. Hope this helps add to your ever-growing TBR list and of course, help you discover authors whose writing you’ll fall in love with.
Featured Authors
| Chloe Archer | Bix Barrow | Lee Blair | J. Scott Coatsworth |
| Eli Easton | A.D. Ellis | Kim Fielding | Rhys Ford |
| Andy Gallo | Elle Keaton | Amy Lane | Riley Long |
| Meghan Maslow | R.L. Merrill | TA Moore | E.J. Russell |
Download the Winter Romance Wish Book and discover new and exciting adventures!
Tonight’s dinner.
Tonight’s dinner: pork loin and Japanese curry rice.
I’m also going to read Back in Black because I think I need to find out where I left Cole.
Chicken Long Rice
Tonight’s dinner: Chicken Long rice.
This is very much a Hawai’i local comfort food and a lot of people have their own recipe. I’m actually going to include the Hawai’i pickled lady and her recipe below because I’m lazy and she’s actually very good at giving instructions.
But this is how I cook it or rather this is how it turned out.
And the recipe in a video.
Rhys Ford 