I had someone I adored dearly.
And in an odd moment, clearly lost their compass and severed contact with me after sort of painting me with an abrasive, toxic brush…
It was curious, hateful, and confusing but sadly I still miss them and keep wondering how the fuck did they get to there? Because I’m the same person as I’ve always been.
Well, minus the craziness in my guts.
Not to say that I couldn’t have been bitchy, mean, or grumpy while under the influence of all this shit. I hope not. But it is a clear possibility, along with poor spelling.
I mean, yeah… I’ve noticed a bunch of fellow authors I’d thought I had decent friendships sitting in silence and while that saddened me, I bear them no ill will. If they came back to circle around for friendship, they would be welcome.
Okay, not the ones that said they hoped I die of cancer or threatened me with dire physical things. Because those people seriously are not welcome. I don’t need to be pickled in toxic juices.
For the most part in my life, I do try to be helpful and civil and you know, I don’t always hit the mark. There have been times when I flat out am just a growly badger and snap and bite. I do try to apologize at those times. I also know I’m kind of reserved in a lot of situations, which I actually didn’t realize until a few years ago. So it’s been a journey of…. shit, let’s see who I am coming out of these surgeries and the removal of a source of intense constant pain.
It’ll be interesting. I hope I’m an okay person. I’ll still fuck up. I’ll still have Aspergers and people will still confuse me but you know what, so long as the neighbour’s cat likes me, I’m good.
It’s a weird space to be in right now and well, I’m looking forward to decorating it once I’m past the fog and noise.
6 thoughts on “Where the Hell Am I?”
Ugh! It’s a yucky feeling when that kind of thing happens. I lost my best friend when my ex and I split up, and even though, after 10 years, we’ve made tentative moves toward friendship again, it’s still hard not to feel hurt. I hope things work out with your friends and compatriots.
We all miss the mark sometimes but hey the important thing is that we keep trying to be kind and respectful….I see you trying to do that in your blog posts I admire you and love your writing hang in there I am also interested to see how you decorate your space 😊🥰
I shall have to take pix.
You are who you are. If you see a point where you feel you can improve and do so well done! You will never live up to other people’s expe tations and trying to do so will make you crazy and unhappy. You do the very best you can and move on.
Be yourself. Those who love you will understand where all the emotions are coming from and they’ll still be there for you. Those who walk away didn’t want to get close enough to care and work through it all. Hugs to you!
This is why cats and dogs exist. They love you no matter what.