I actually haven’t just rambled here in a long time so bear with me for a bit. This past year has been a fleeting one but heavy, burdened with a lot of things I have had to scrape off in order to move forward. Oddly enough, it’s also been a bit of a journey to find out where I am, who I am and honestly, who is with me.
The past couple of years brought a lot of sadness and stark truths to my life. I’d always been… obtusely oblivious for lack of a better word and trusted a lot of people who I called friends. That was shaken quite a bit and now, in the ruins of so much, there are still pillars I can lean on. So in a lot of ways, I guess it’s something I truly had to go through in order to discover who was with me. And that while I know I’m going to be hurt because a lot of people truly do not be careful with others’ emotions, I’m better for knowing I’ve not compromised who I am inside. And have dealt with just the crappiest things but I’ll be okay. Coming out on the other side will happen. I just have to have faith of it going forward.
Faith is a fucking hard thing to hold on to and it gets tested all the time. Seriously. It’s a bitch.
Mind you, I’m rambling here so… I’m going to be all over the place.
I’ve also just come to accept (?) the Aspergers part. Yes, I still mask. I think it’s just automatic coping mechanisms but I’m kinder to myself when I don’t or forgiving myself more for those quirks when my brain says… Nope, can’t listen to that chime on the phone anymore, it’s burrowing down into my ear drum so change it.
I used to say; just power thru it. I’m big on confronting the aversion aspects of this damned spectrum shit but sometimes, I don’t have to. I don’t have to do it all the time and I needed to remember that. I’m never going to be “normal human” and I have to accept that. There’s things people do that make absolutely no sense to me and I can’t comprehend the why of it. And that’s okay. Learning to be okay with those things you cannot change… ooof, that’s hard.
Not gonna lie. Aspergers sucks. And yeah, it’s not the worst thing. You always hear that. It could be worse. I’m like… fucking hell, it isn’t a competition of sad-sackness. Sometimes it’s just fucking tiring and I hate fighting for the normal. Because while people say they’ll make allowances for spectrum people, they kind of don’t. Not really. It’s tiring for them too. Most often there’s huge misunderstandings and we spend more time explaining and smoothing things out in our relationships than actually living our lives. But you know, you gotta keep trying.
Dogs and cats are a hell of a lot easier.
Right now, Gus (The Blond Potato) is sleeping off a long weekend of hard activity and much company. He reached saturation point on Sunday and kind of gave up socializing but rallied yesterday. But today, he’s all… let me sleep. Partied way too hard this past week so… no Borking today. It’s also going to rain. Which would be nice.
And I’m off to create words. I hope they are good ones. I also hope all of you have a great week and one filled with laughter and good food. And coffee. If that’s your thing 😀