Floor Potato and Musings

I actually haven’t just rambled here in a long time so bear with me for a bit. This past year has been a fleeting one but heavy, burdened with a lot of things I have had to scrape off in order to move forward. Oddly enough, it’s also been a bit of a journey to find out where I am, who I am and honestly, who is with me.

The past couple of years brought a lot of sadness and stark truths to my life. I’d always been… obtusely oblivious for lack of a better word and trusted a lot of people who I called friends. That was shaken quite a bit and now, in the ruins of so much, there are still pillars I can lean on. So in a lot of ways, I guess it’s something I truly had to go through in order to discover who was with me. And that while I know I’m going to be hurt because a lot of people truly do not be careful with others’ emotions, I’m better for knowing I’ve not compromised who I am inside. And have dealt with just the crappiest things but I’ll be okay. Coming out on the other side will happen. I just have to have faith of it going forward.

Faith is a fucking hard thing to hold on to and it gets tested all the time. Seriously. It’s a bitch.

Mind you, I’m rambling here so… I’m going to be all over the place.

I’ve also just come to accept (?) the Aspergers part. Yes, I still mask. I think it’s just automatic coping mechanisms but I’m kinder to myself when I don’t or forgiving myself more for those quirks when my brain says… Nope, can’t listen to that chime on the phone anymore, it’s burrowing down into my ear drum so change it.

I used to say; just power thru it. I’m big on confronting the aversion aspects of this damned spectrum shit but sometimes, I don’t have to. I don’t have to do it all the time and I needed to remember that. I’m never going to be “normal human” and I have to accept that. There’s things people do that make absolutely no sense to me and I can’t comprehend the why of it. And that’s okay. Learning to be okay with those things you cannot change… ooof, that’s hard.

Not gonna lie. Aspergers sucks. And yeah, it’s not the worst thing. You always hear that. It could be worse. I’m like… fucking hell, it isn’t a competition of sad-sackness. Sometimes it’s just fucking tiring and I hate fighting for the normal. Because while people say they’ll make allowances for spectrum people, they kind of don’t. Not really. It’s tiring for them too. Most often there’s huge misunderstandings and we spend more time explaining and smoothing things out in our relationships than actually living our lives. But you know, you gotta keep trying.

Dogs and cats are a hell of a lot easier.

Right now, Gus (The Blond Potato) is sleeping off a long weekend of hard activity and much company. He reached saturation point on Sunday and kind of gave up socializing but rallied yesterday. But today, he’s all… let me sleep. Partied way too hard this past week so… no Borking today. It’s also going to rain. Which would be nice.

And I’m off to create words. I hope they are good ones. I also hope all of you have a great week and one filled with laughter and good food. And coffee. If that’s your thing 😀

12 thoughts on “Floor Potato and Musings

  1. catherine morden

    Question??!! What IS a “normal human”. Not sure there is such a thing. We’re all in this together.

    Hugs to you and the potato 🙂

  2. Jacque

    Love sent to you. Whatever is normal for you is good for me, as long as it makes you happy. I just wish we lived closer.

  3. Sharon Leahy

    Hey babe, there’s lots of us with a toe-hold, or knee-deep, or swimming the spectrum, and we are magnificent in our own ways … and while we can be emotionally delicate, we can also damage others when we’re in self-protect mode … we can inadvertently hang out in our heads (rather than our hearts) because we’re always trying to figure shit out, figure people out, figure out what the fuck just happened and why do they think that way. You, babe, have a gorgeous handle on a lot of it, your novels speak to motivations and needs in a way that is deep and true. The whole making-a-relationship-work thing is like a jigsaw puzzle without the picture and no edges … humans come to relationship age having spent dozens of years being whacked around by birth families, foster families, bullies, teachers, religious authorities, and the need to earn a living, and then add uncontrollable sexual longings and social pressures, and that’s what’s showing up at your door looking for someone to understand them, love them, hire them, be friends with them, or trust them. Meanwhile, you’re (we’re) exactly the same damn thing inside, but all of our own pressures and bullies and teachers and families have come from different angles, so inside we’re just as fucked up but different fucked up, not a matching fucked up …. crazy mess already, and then you splash a cocktail of sexual hormones on top of the unprocessed, not understood everything … so, it’s astonishing any of us get to have relationships with people that last any amount of time at all … I’m in my 70’s now, so I’ve gotten to have, and to watch, a lot of relationships over the years, and some of the bitter moments I’ve seen in so-called “long term” relationships have been so humiliating, so devastating, that I cannot comprehend how the person receiving that treatment has found a way in their heads to justify staying in the relationship. So, while I too can say “I have burned up on the altar, but I am fine”, I’ve realized that I’m actually grateful to be free of those people and influences and expectations … and they did not occur because I’m on the spectrum … they occurred because humans are so complex and carry such internal pressures, expectations and needs that continuing “meshing” of our emotional gears really isn’t possible … simple numbers theory will tell you that. So, gods and goddesses help us, it boils down to gratitude for the good stretches of time when we are compatible and in sync, and then letting go when it’s over, and knowing it will be over, every relationship will be over … it’s just how it works, we’re too complex to mesh when the little tiny gears come into play … the big gears, yes, those are easy, the little gears, no, the ones that grind fine like the mills of the gods, those are the ones that push us apart … somehow, that’s how it’s meant to be for this planet, that’s the cosmic clockwork for this particular olympic quality game that is human life on this planet. And you, beloved one, have the vision to see it, to know it, to write about it so others who aren’t able to see if for themselves can understand it better … spectrum folks are teachers, actors, explainers, demonstrators, we’re the ones that make other folks wonder, stop, think, react, attempt to understand … we ain’t normal, traditional, usual, mundane … we’re like purple flowers in a field of buttercups .. we’re the cinnamon in milky coffee … we’re the lone eagles flying in blue sky … you are glorious, you are a seer, you speak to souls … namaste’, dear one, trust the pain, trust the messages, and let it go knowing you’re supposed to, it’s how this gorgeous, carnivorous, eat-your-neighbors planet works …. shake it off, woman, put it in the ask-what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking column on your list of questions for the Divine when you get there. While you’re on this planet, sally forth with vigor and enjoy your words, trust the process of experiencing life as a human, trust the unfolding of your own life, trust your creative flow, trust the words that come thru your creative flow, trust the sanctuary that comes when you ride your creative flow, let the flow carry out the debris and make a new clear, clean channel for your visions, let your flow tell you stories of unexpected truths and spirits that are free to be what they yearn to be, and, how for lovely, shiney, deeply healing stretches of time, they, and we, find others who are seeking that same freedom.

  4. Mary Bronstein

    I’m right there with you on being tired of explaining. I hope things are looking a little brighter today.

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