Doldrums

I have snippets of old conversations playing in my head of late. Odd bits like a comment someone made about my fave book during an interview, a disparaging remark a relative said about me during a family gathering, and just general stuff like that. Sometimes the mind goes on it’s onw “Greatest Hits” reel and I’m sitting here thinking, do you really have to do this now?

And it replies; Yes. Yes, I do.

I’ve been awake for about two and a half hours now and it’s been a roller coaster of conversations and people telling me how to think and feel. Now if you know me personally, you know how that gets my back up. It’s like a trigger point. Always has been. One of the major reasons my father pretty much spent my childhood trying to kill me in one way or another because I didn’t think being dominated into submission was EVER going to be my cup of tea.

I’m not sure where that comes from. My mother whom I love dearly tried to make peace by saying; just do what he says. Alas, dear mother, I shall not be made less.

And considering my whacked out chem brain spends a lot of time doing just that, it doesn’t need any help, thank you very much.

I am the best person I can be. I try. I don’t always get it right. And sadly I’ve been told since I’m in the “public eye”, I don’t get the luxury of making mistakes. To that I say bullshit. I’m going to make them. We all are. But it’s my life and they’re mine to make and fix.

A lot of that actually pertains to writing because nothing can be curled up into a knot of mistakes like taking the wrong left turn during a chapter. And then you spend a lot of time trying to either write out of it or… tossing the whole thing. It’s a sad commentary on the brain when it does this to you. You feel betrayed! Like damn it, I thought I could trust you! But no, I cannot.

The book deserves to be the best it can be. Sometimes it works. Othertimes, it does not.

Where am I going with this? Man, I’ve tossed out more things in the past few months than I care to admit. I think a lot of it is the political and social arenas we are in now. It’s hard to disconnect and write freely without the press of people’s opinions and rants shoving through the veil of words. When I write, I need to push the world back… put it away so I can live in the one I’m creating. Outside things can influence me, sure. But I’ve got to keep a firm hold on who I am, what the book is, and where it’s going.

So wish me luck in tackling the keyboard once again and keeping the world and its bitter voices from creeping in. Have a happy moment for yourself today. Do something nice for you. I have a snoring dog so that’s my soundtrack for the morning. *Grins*