Rambling about Bits and Lack Thereof.

Perhaps Unpopular Opinion

I know a lot of women see their “power” in their vaginal region but I honestly am not that attached to it and haven’t given it this much thought. EVER.

Red Delicious Apple on White Background

In going through all of these surgeries and organ removals, it’s been interesting to see and hear how people assign a feminine aspect to body parts. For some it’s the vagina itself and others attach significance to the labia and other spots. Now this isn’t about female circumcision — which is a horrific and dehumanizing practice — but rather what DEFINES sexual identity and the power people give certain fleshy areas, including boobs.

I am mostly annoyed at the hijacking of my life by my organs. They (including the ones that have been yanked out) have been dominating my life for the past few years and continue to do so as I slog through surgery after surgery, infection after infection. When I came out of surgery the first time and someone in the recovery room said; We are sorry but we had to remove your uterus and other parts. My first reaction was; I’m not.

Because, dudes, it was all a fucking mess and I knew that simply by living through it and trying to convince the medical teams there was something wrong. Let me tell you there is not a single smudge of pleasure to be found in that “I Told You So.” after being carved up and it going horribly wrong because it was THAT bad.

I am not sorry those pieces were taken. I AM mad and sorry that I’m still dealing with the aftermath of medical apathy and being told no, you’re not in pain, nothing’s wrong, you’re just over-reacting. Hint: I was not.

So here we are. Sans parts and still dealing with stuff but do you want to know something? My femme identity / sexuality — or rather I guess the percentage of that ID because I’m fluid on the whole thing — isn’t defined by a pleasure point between my legs, labia, or even breasts.

My sexuality is driven by how I feel. What turns me on. Visually, Viscerally. Emotionally. And Physically.

I could be an eyeball on a stick and still be gender fluid. My body doesn’t define me but it also doesn’t mean someone isn’t yearning to have their body define them. We all have different needs, different gut reactions to the things that make us whole. I don’t have the right to decide who is a woman or not. No one does. And we certainly can’t depend on body parts for definition. We have to accept that some people NEED that and some people don’t. If you do, and you don’t “match” how you feel, I will certainly support you and fight for you to meet that need. But I also expect support in return when I say, I don’t need that to define me. And it’s okay that I don’t.

Do not mourn my uterus. The fucking thing tried to kill me and it was yeeted with extreme prejudice. My sexuality and gender remained because I didn’t keep those things there. But I am here for you if you need support and know that I understand how you feel, even if I don’t feel the same way about my own body. Empathy doesn’t need to be experience for experience. It simply needs to be compassion and acceptance. Regardless of what bits that person is carrying.

10 thoughts on “Rambling about Bits and Lack Thereof.

  1. Isabelle

    I concur with you! As soon as I learned uterus was abnormal, I was: get rid of it, but no, we had to get thru all the tests: and tumour!! So now it is gone and no it doesn’t define me either! If I ever want to be a mom (lots of that from the docs!) I can adopt or foster!
    I knew I like you, for multiple reasons, but I am so sorry of the not so fun health issues you are still dealing with🙏

      1. Isabelle

        I think it is the “you have a womb, so you are a woman and you have to be a mom”. It is crazy since not all women with a womb want to be a mom, ans since women without a womb would like to be mom! A womb does not make you a woman nor a mother! Patriarchal mumbo jumbo!

  2. Sandra Graves

    I lived with extreme pain for decades until I finally had a female gynecologist who understood what I was trying to say. After exploratory surgery, in which she found out my uterus was practically folded in half by endometriosis, she recommended a full hysterectomy. I practically kissed her feet. I’ve never felt better, now that I had that surgery a few years ago, and frankly, I never wanted children anyway, so it was no loss except the pain was gone and my life was returned to me. Yippee!

    I hope you manage to get things in line and that you also have your life returned to you. It’s a gift I can’t begin to take for granted.

    – Erulisse (one L)

  3. Staphisagria

    Dear Rhys, I totally agree, what defines us as humans is in our mind, not in our body. And gender only cones into the equation when we deal with erotic attraction, so for everyday purposes we ought to treat each human equally. No matter what the person looks like, speaks like, thinks like. As long as they respect me as a human I respect them. The theological background is interesting, too. Our Pastor likes to go back to the Hebrew original texts ( well, if you had to study the language you might as well use it) and she said, that God created the human firm in THEIR (!) image as “man and woman” so. there we have it. The creator is way beyond our concept of one bearded man in the clouds. They created as as male, female and presumably everything in between, because anatomical terms were most probably unknown to the scribes of that time.
    So apart from feeling sorry for all the pain and sickness you have to endure ( I wish you all possible strength and hope to get better!), I am grateful that I am able to read your books and learning about humanity in all its forms through life and books. If we want to feel a woman, we can roar! If we want to channel the “male” aspects of our personality (which is proof of the patriarchally influenced way of thinking), we can express those feelings, too. Nobody can dictate our feelings but us ourselves. I am human, created in Gods’ image, that should be enough of a definition. Mind you, striving to live up to earn the title “human” in one’s life is hard enough.
    Keep getting stronger, Christmas blessings to y’all,
    Yours Staphisagria

  4. Alison

    I have never understood the idea that your genitals drive your gender/sexuality. I hope they’ve finally fixed what was causing the issues and that you heal well and fast.

    btw, I love your writing and appreciate every single story you choose to share with us

Leave a Reply