Read a letter.
Write a letter.
It is often the hardest battles for us to fight… The struggle to keep breathing. The war to stay alive.
Stupidly enough one of the things that keeps me here is someone spent a good amount of energy not only hating me but trying to destroy me in any way he could.
I promised myself that if anybody was going to take me out it would be me. Not him.
It’s not a promise a 10-year-old kid should make to themselves but it was the only way I think I could survive it. It was a mantra that kept me breathing even though I was pretty fucked up and such a hot emotional and screwed up mess. I walked through childhood confused and hurt and lonely and angry with little to no control over my emotions other than to be driven by fear and to every corner I could find. The adult that came out of my childhood wasn’t one that I would want to be friends with even though I understood how they got there.
But while I did incredible damage to myself with that mantra, it kept me alive because I just wanted to die.
That was the only way I could think of to keep myself going. I promising myself I wouldn’t let him be the one who killed me.
Along the way he no longer was important to me and that mantra lost its purpose. But the longing to just stop and rest forever remained.
I’m not going to apologize for that. And there never will be any fixing it because it is gouged down into my very being and my soul. It doesn’t go away. Sometimes it’s silent but it lingers. And sometimes it whispers and says wouldn’t it just be easier to stop?
And that’s usually what I’m scared to reach out to others and say I need help because it’s hard to stay alive. It’s hard to stay alive when you are so used to the expectation of being murdered, even if it is by your own hand. I’m afraid to reach out because for so many years, being erased was an active danger so it’s impossible to trust that somebody actually would want you to remain. Would want me to remain.
Sometimes taking the next breath is hard. I get that. But what’s harder is when you look around and you see nothing but the darkness around you. Yet there is light outside of you and sometimes it doesn’t matter of letting it find you.
So I wanted to share this website with you all. If you need to read a letter, or five, they are there for you. And if you have it within yourself to write a letter to someone who needs those words, and please do so.
You never know who you’re going to reach. And you never know what comfort you’re going to find.
https://reasonstostay.co.uk/
11 thoughts on “Reason to Stay…”
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Rhys Ford 
I am a suicide survivor who still struggles with the overwhelming urge to leave this shell behind. It is a battle fought on the daily. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Please be sure to visit the website because I think at the very least it helps with giving you an anchor even temporarily for when things get too strong to withstand. I know it’s a struggle. It’s just a fucking fight constantly. And I wish I had answers for it but I don’t. I could only wish us all luck.
Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer
Many, many years ago my dad felt that way and he almost left us. Fortunately for him and for us, his attempt failed. While he had more dark days in the aftermath, he also found days filled with joy and light.
He told me much later that while he realised that there is always a chance for the day to go bad, but there is an equal chance you could have the chance to pat a puppy, get a smile from a child, or smell wild jasmine.
He said he had to actively choose to look for the light. It didn’t mean he didn’t get stuck in the dark sometimes because he absolutely did, but when he did he waited for the light.
I hope the light finds you every day.
I am usually okay but there are times. I think if that is kind of how you are there will always be times. The only thing we can do is try to go forward and hope for the best. And I am glad that he had you with him.
Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer
I’m glad we kept him too.
I’m also glad we have you.
I don’t know if you need to know this or not, but your books are my comfort reads. When I can’t afford new books, when I’m feeling a little blah or just need to bump my mood into the light, I pick one of yours to revisit. I have two or three authors who I go back to again and again like this but you are at the top of that list.
Thank you very much. One of the key things that I always want to provide in my writing is a bit of light. I want there to be happy endings. I will always fight for the underdog in a story and I will always hopefully be able to provide my characters homes and health and happiness. I think it’s important to do that. Other people don’t have to. And that’s okay. But that to me is a core part of my identity and needs to be in my writing.
Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer
Thank you very much for sharing, both the link and your words.
Not a problem. And I always try to share.
Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer
Also don’t forget the national suicide phone, Trevor Project, and other outreach sources. They’re the whole reason I’m still around to cause people to have a hard time 🙂
I probably will talk about other avenues for discussion in other posts. I like the letter one because it for me is a more intimate interaction and I don’t like talking to people directly. So that for me is a great communication thing. Too often for me whenever you try to reach out for organization it requires a lot of personal interactions and I just kind of don’t like that when I’m talking about very vulnerable things. I can talk about them through writing and I can explore those kinds of mental mechanics in that sort of venue but talking to somebody on the phone that I don’t know and I don’t trust doesn’t feel good. But I also know that other people really enjoy that and they find a lot of support from that So before I really discuss those other options, I want to take a little bit more time to understand how they work and what people gain from those interactions and how much support somebody gets. Trevor project is definitely one of the ones on my list and I know of it and I donate to it but on a personal level I think I’d want to get a better perspective on what their support structure looks like.
Yahoo Mail: Search, Organize, Conquer
Totally understandable. The nice thing about the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (which includes Trevor Project) is that you can text, phone, email, or get in touch with them in any way that’s comfortable for you. I would have given a lot to have had that option when I was in High School and being a cutter.